| oh, hey |
[24 Jul 2007|12:13am] |
o hai there
so Im at a really frustrating point in my life right now. everything is up in the air. I cant do everything I want anymore. cant do anything right damn. I wanna be good at everything, but now im just ok at everything cuz i cant make decisions. if i sit down and try to figure out what my real priorities are, I end up with nothing, just more confused. on the roster for this school year will be : school, work, girlfriend, bodybuilding, jiu jitsu, band, computer gaming. HERROOOOO. wtfffff. bodybuildin has been suffering the most, i dont call myself a bodybuilder anymore, i dont look like one anymore. I dont train or eat like one. I feel like a washed up old guy in the gym now.
at the same time though im happy wif alot of things. i realy like jiu jitsu, i realy like my gf, i realy like work. I been gettin more responsibility at work and deal wif bigger clients. me and tiffy been datin for almost 2 months now and its going 2 gud. shud be skateboarding again soon hopefully i dont fuck my ankle again. not worth it. me n zach had a good talk and are friends again, i missed him. I hated wanting to kill him all the time. gotta live with the foight
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[08 Jun 2007|08:38pm] |
ughhhh. back here again. dis shits gay people are fucking retarded 4real. some people have their head so far up their ass its ridiculous
today at work I designed a keycard for some construction management company and worked an upside down cross into it and we sent it off to them. so well see how they like that. ummmm wuts new. ju jitsu, more work than ever, fat loss, jurtices single, bens single, me n zach beefin over tif tif, bug chasin, gifters, selloutz, ogricktalife, trapped under ice, new songz, 100 txts a day, no sean, eatin str8 shitty and still losin weight, takin care of heartz, makin ill designz, mice back in my apartment, b0nerz, diesel JO seshs, new board, new greenday, hinder, illin in a n00d mode
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[12 Nov 2006|06:38am] |
well well well...havent updated lj in over a month I think...well...Im at home hanging out, just caught up with the parents.
My mom was telling me how ever since I was 2, Ive been the same. I always had the "art thing" and always had the "physical thing". She told me I used to read arnolds biographies when I was in grade school and do pushups and situps, and taped up my lttle routine next to the tv. I had a pullup bar in between the door frame, and I remember now. this made me feel really good, knowing that I didnt just start bodybuilding out of nowhere, its always been something Ive wanted to do. I feel like I have less and less contact with friends these days, but Im alright with that. Im doing what I want to do, and seeing my friends when I can.
School is going great, Ive been really just focusing on that and bodybuilding. I have a girlfriend now, amy reid, which is great. Im like 98% sure shes OK with all the stuff im doing (all the meals, gym, schoolwork). We cant hang out constantly but I do my best.
The thing about bodybuilding is that when youre on stage, no one can see how you looked a year ago. no one knows how you used to look...so I have alot of work to do before this summer. I cant hold a sign up that says I used to weigh 150 lbs...which is impressive to friends and family but bodybuilding is (usually) completely objective.
shoutouts to people who halfass their way through life and cant stick to anything for more than a week, you along with hatebreed motivate me more than anything to get better
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[18 Oct 2006|02:14pm] |
the true reason nick fury is breaking up is because my shreds were so fast our relationships caught on fire
sooo as everyone probably already knows, nick fury is breaking up. thats alright I guess, it was obviously getting ridiculous and hard to do. I joined the band when they needed a new guitar player and never really became much more than that. so if that hurt the band in the long run, im sorry to the members. however I do have priorities, the top two being school and bodybuilding, and sometimes they got in the way, other times I just didnt care enough. I think members of nick fury forgot that Im not really into hardcore and its hard for me to really sit down and write it.
Touring was mad fun, kenny I read in your livejournal that nick fury ruined friendships but I dont really feel that way. Im still friends with justice, and im better friends with you, we barely talked before nick fury. I never even knew ben. soooooo youre wrong about that. fuck you im right
I hope no one is bitter about it, we had alot of fun and nick fury took us alot of places, and allowed us to meet alot of people. it had to happen eventually, luckily it didnt happen when travis duke quit.
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[30 Sep 2006|02:40am] |
as ive found out today my brother has a girlfriend, and is on my highschools varisty rugby team. since when is he the bigger man? do I just lift weights to convince myself im someone im not? no, but it comes to mind. my brother and I received the same raising, I dont see how at 17 hes ready for something I havent been until now. What did WoW teach him that real life didnt teach me? sometimes when I put my life under scrutiny I get a really disconnected feeling, like I dont know who I am. why am I always making a conscious effort to distance myself from everybody, and why cant I feel emotion. I dont understand how I got this way, but Ive always been like this, so i hope there is something for me.
I would like to feel true admiration for people but I cant. I would love to have a relationship with someone where my feelings came naturally without being premeditated. lots of people would probably wish to live in my shoes, and dont get me wrong, its great when i dont think too hard. but emotion shouldnt have to be a decision. Im going to wake up tomorrow and not remember feeling this way. but I think I have what it takes to be human.
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[15 Sep 2006|11:43pm] |
sooo many people with sooo many opinions. who cares were all wrong. who cares about politics, were all wrong, were wrong about science, were wrong about religion. I think if you get to know anyone well enough, youre not going to like them. im just trying to do my best ok.
everyone who is convinced they know the truth about anything needs to understand that they dont, the answer to our problems just isnt that simple. anyone who thinks they have the answer, dont tell me because youre wrong. if you still think youre right, youre wrong. science might be the answer but whos to say. i just dont think theres anyway well ever figure out what the deal is. im not going to burn when i die for living my life the way i am. if theres a god in the sky, fuck you, im not thanking you for the things ive accomplished.
FTW = theme of 2007
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| UGHHHH |
[10 Sep 2006|11:03am] |
I need to say a few things and just get it out there because i dont know who to talk to. Im tired of people that bullshit. not random people, but my friends, that think its necessary to lie to me. dont make me believe something when its obviously not the case. it feels like its just building up from everyone and its reallllly fucking annoying. this post is directed to multiple people, and if theres one part that you think applies to you it does. I have alot of weak friends, and thats really my biggest pet peeve right now. people that just make a bold statement and dont follow through. ok, so I dont have a job, and im super irresponsible because of that, but at least I can:
1-stick to my word
2- follow through with claims I make
3-not lie to my best friends
4-balance being a full time A student, 2 bands and what that entails, and bodybuilding/eating 6 times a day
but yeah i lost my phone once and have never had a girlfriend so none of this counts.
FTW, and fuck you
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[26 Jul 2006|06:20pm] |
recent good things that have happened-
-finally finding/successfully renting an apartment
-the apartment opening aug 24th instead of mid september..i would refuse to commute
-losing fat
-kenny screaming "NOOOOOOOO" at a bum
-losing my debit card then finding it
-jumping off the massive bridge at loch raveb
-seeing OSTM
-carol finishing up writing so we can record
-hardcurlz finally stopped going to shows
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[20 Jul 2006|01:19am] |
things have been changing alot in the past couple years, but it seems like the past year has been the biggest rollercoaster. lots of people dropped out of hardcore, lots of people broke edge, some were a suprise, some werent. i dont care that much, but i cant say i have much understanding for people who do. I think any person can be happy without the help of alcohol or drugs. Whether you admit it or not youre unhappy with yourself or using it to cope with something- i dont think you can break edge just to "try" it- the only reason youd be trying is because you seek something more. i think its an empty venture. alcohol is merely padding between yourself and reality, and I guess some people cant cope with themselves without the extra "help". that sucks.
when i first learned what straight edge was i was so excited to become a part of it, but now it seems different to me. It seems like everyone has been straight edge at one point. fuck the police, fuck haterz, fuck edgebreakers. and jack im not picking you out, youve just made me think about it
edgebreaks to come:
dundalk bill
towson matt
bobby ruthless
troublemaker pat (lol)
and all of the remaining members of make your stand who havent already broke
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[13 Jul 2006|10:04am] |
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so i just woke up about 30 minutes ago to find that my jaw is locked and i have no idea why. i can barely open it half way. this really makes me upset because a) it happened in my sleep b) its hard to eat c)ill probably have to go to the hospital when i get back from the gym
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[04 Jul 2006|11:59pm] |
ERAHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i wish this was a teamsport but it aint
every day is a new fight against myself
recently ive been losing
im tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the same person
i saw last year
im sure people think im a joke by now but i really do enjoy the sport
im trying as hard as i can and im not succeeding
and im not familiar with this feeling
that i might have run into a wall this time
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[01 Jul 2006|07:17pm] |
bodybuilding is the hardest sport in my opinion. not the hobby bodybuilding. it can be so mentally jarring sometimes. i strive to be robotic in almost everything I do but that becomes detrimental sometimes. all of my passion is in my hobbies not in people. i hate having to rely an anyone but myself (other than my parents at this point) because most people are very lazy.
im sure other people think im lazy. id say im pretty disciplined. getting up early everyday going to the gym doing cardio and cooking for almost 2 hours a day gets old some days. sometimes i just want to take a break but i know that will only make matters worse. i miss being able to just have 2-3 meals a day, eat whatever my parents were having, or eating in the cafeteria. it will be worth it one day when im happy with myself
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[25 Jun 2006|09:24pm] |
NEW JERSEY: is the most fucked up state in the united states i have been to, the road system is horrendous, the people are all fucking weird, if you live there fuck you, you live in a shithole.
sorry new jersey but im not familiar with iconographic signage, or size 6 font cursive road signs. we managed to get lost for a net of over an hour and a half, crash zachs car into a guard rail, and drive through 4 EZ passes. then turnpike has this great system where if you miss your exit, you have to go another 15 miles and pay another toll.
on the bright side, it was good times overall, got to see all the bands we wanted to see. good to see sean again and hang out in the car.
NOTE: do not let anton be in charge of or interact with any type of technology in the car
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[18 Jun 2006|04:20am] |
soo i just got back from a little middle school get together...everyone looks the same. everyone got plastered except me and this girl gabriel, and she kept trying to sit next to me and talk to me...a girl that i NEVER talked to in middle school, but her mouth was fucking humongous, i know that...
we played drinking games, and my beverage was water, but i still got fucked up. somehow ive played like 230 games of beerpong in the past 3 days between ocean city and today. i hate when people talk about how much pride they have in being straight edge and all this because it always means theyre going to break, i.e. geary...what a fruit, I remain friends with people that break usually, but give me a break...make your stand had like 5 straight edge songs, and ive heard him talk about being edge more than once....and now gets PLASTERED every night with coworkers. i dont like it when people play little identity lie games. im happy he didnt try to take my picture on the beach. i think i wouldve threw his camera in the ocean
P.S. a girl at my school has a side piece with a banner that says "art x core" wowww
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[17 Jun 2006|09:38pm] |
soo I just got back from the beach today.. it was very relaxing/fun, got to spend alot of time with xfxjx, amy, emily, connor, kevin, and mary ellen. waterslides were awesome, beach was awesome. ate pretty well too
to people in relationships- dont fucking argue around me
to travis- stop being so indirect with me, im tired of not having any idea what youre thinking or how you feel about things when you laugh off every question i ask you
to bad drivers- watch your back i have absolutely terrible road rage
im about to go to a "get drunk with your friends from 5th grade party". that should be interesting
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[04 Jun 2006|02:14am] |
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things are going really well. I am thouroughly enjoying being in carol right now. It is awesome to be in a band with people that actually care as much as I do about it. Im buying diablo2 tomorrow...bad idea....but it will give me another little side project for this summer. Speaking of side projects, check out www.myspace.com/buttvein. sometimes i cant tell if im level headed or out of my mind, but probably out of my mind. i dont know though, i dont really think crazy things. I just ponder what my next meal will be, check myspace, go to the gym, dont really talk to anyone. Not to say I have some quirks, but I think 90% of people that are in constant search of girlfriends are either sexually/emotionally needy, or lonely. I dont find myself doing either...I actually enjoy not having to worry about anyone but myself and doing things at my own pace. and i could really care less about sex. www.myspace.com/thespiritoftruth
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[27 May 2006|03:13pm] |
So summer rules, I'm already having an amazing one. I'd like to share with everyone some quotes/themes of this year while living with zach and stephen. life is better on the farm
- "youre not helping"
- "my life is in shambles"
- "sooo i think you need to take a look at this"
- "mhm"
- "no no im getting some work done"
- "well sure"
- "eeeeee"
- "in my opinion"
- "mm mmm mmm"
- "hiiiiii babbyy"
- juice/galloned liquid at all times
now for some cherishing memories of STEVO!
- "yeah jawhz"
- "oh..is this yours? howd this get here?"
- "something to where"
- mica mystery man
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[26 May 2006|07:42pm] |
so my mom just lectured me about how im getting fat. she was very candid about it so other people must be realizing is she said it.
so to the world- I weigh 196 pounds right now, and i have 4 more to go before I can cut down. the next 4 lbs are going to be real ugly. I guess I never really notice myself getting fat until I look at older pictures. At least im getting stronger and bigger.
anyways, I cant WAIT for new rough to drop, it sounds amazing. its outdoes the last one x 1000. and thats all i gotta say. now for some spirit of truth quotes
"look in my asshole see if you find any siiins"
"motherfuckin devil worshipper you aint got no excuse"
"who name you comin in? by who powa?
"dont call me with no stupid ass questions, ignorant slut, stupid bitch"
"motherfucker cuz im GAWD"
"yo aint gonna be talkin like that when the po-lice be puttin you in the back of a police car sayin "you aint gawwwd"
"im gettin naked for you all you assssholes"
"lawyers can get down with this book, trained in these words, to help get the poor and the widows up out them penitentieries, if you down with what im doin, if you aint down with what im doin, shut your godamn ass up"
"mother fucker aint no corrupt comm mmunication come out my mouth corrupt comm mmunication is when you call me talkin about the devillll hes the devilll"
"bitch im flowin straight from the survival scrolls CUT THAT BITCH OFF"
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[22 May 2006|11:24pm] |
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So I've decided Im in love. In love with audrey tautou. I know it seems soon, but I watched her for 2.5 hours i know what im getting into
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[21 May 2006|12:04am] |
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sooo I think Im at a turning point in my life. I think the reason I'm never bored is because it feels like I live 4 different lives. when Im in school, all i really do is think about school and design, and ideas for classes. thats really it. when Im home or have time off, most of the time ill be completely focused on writing music/playing guitar and just trying to write good songs. Somedays Ill lose myself with a gallon of water, no shirt, and a skateboard. I've also been known to dissapear behind a computer screen for years. The past 2 weeks have been completely focused on bodybuilding, and im really loving it. I love the new gym, i love being surrounded by competitive bodybuilders, I love having a training partner that is more into it than I am. Im not sure about this, but I think my next goal is to try to get my procard before Im 25. Im not making this goal yet because I hate just throwing goals out there and haven't even competed yet. But somehow Ive always managed to meet my goals and succeed at the things I really focus on. At least for now, I want to place well in a competition.
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